As I drove to work yesterday morning, sipping my hot coffee and, as you do when you drive, thinking about the most random of random things.
In the distance, a truck...what's that in the back? Or is it a trailer?
Definitely a trailer...now what is in the trailer?
Oh, I don't know...how about a couple of CARS?! You think, pshhh...cars? People haul cars around all the time right? Right. But not these cars. Not in this trailer attached to this truck with this driver.
|Please note the almost flat tire on left side.|
Wait, I can.
It went a little something like this.
He hitches up his britches and slips on his shoes (maybe they have velcro?) and defiantly slaps his old cap on his head as he heads out the door.NAGGING WIFE: "Get up yew old lazy ass! Haul dem cars outta this yard so's I ain't gotta look at'em no more!"SKINNY, RESIGNED-TO-HIS-FATE, OLD MAN: "Awww, yew hush yer mouth yew old nag! I'll get 'em movin shawtly....mebbe tomorrow..."NAGGING WIFE: "evil-nagging-wife-look"SKINNY, RESIGNED-TO-HIS-FATE, OLD MAN: " Awwwllllriiiiiiiiigggghhhtttt."
OLD MAN: "Welp, I got these here cars and I got dis here trailer. I'll just put these here cars on dis here trailer and I'll show dat oooold lady what this old man can do!"Spotting the old cars, he does what most old men do when they are faced with a task that they don't really want to do. He sticks his hands in his pockets, cocks his head to one side, and stares. His bushy gray eyebrows meet in the middle as his mouth does that side-to-side thing mouths do when they are contemplating big things.
He takes his tractor (he has a tractor by the way) and pushes these smashed up cars onto his smashed up trailer. Leaves and all goes with them.
OLD MAN: "Ha!" he barks out. "They's almost on there straight like. Perty good. Now I'll jest strap em down and head on down tha road."He searches in his old wooden shed for straps. He comes across two pretty scrawny, almost rotted through, maybe they'll hold together but probably not, straps. After a quick snooze in the front seat of the truck, it's full speed ahead for this guy! He manages somehow to get them thrown over the cars (I imagine there is also a little yapping dog running under his feet that he just hates, but his wife just loves, so it stays) and not trip on the dog.
OLD MAN: "Would yew looky there! I's done it! Now, where'd I put dem keys....and my teeth..."He retrieves said items and begins his Journey Of Lots Of Danger To Others.
He scrunches up his eyebrows and screws up his mouth, ready to argue, but then thinks better of it. He calls the Little Yapping Dog to him, then sticks out his tongue and flips NAGGING WIFE a bird (once she's turned her back of course).NAGGING WIFE: "Take Little Yapping Dog withya! She won't distract yew while yer drivin!"
OLD MAN: "Hmph!" with a good solid nod of the head that says Ha! Take that!He creeps towards the truck at old man pace (you know, eyes on the ground, sloooooooowly taking each step). The old Ford rumbles to life and the Little Yapping Dog begins her favorite activity. (Head out the window, yapping at things, then getting mad at the wind for messing up her ears)
As the rumbling death trap teeter-totters down the road I imagine the OLD MAN is feeling pretty smug with a little dash of annoyance. "That dern dog." he thinks as he glances over at her every few minutes.
Now I don't have to imagine this part (except for the dog, because well that makes it more exciting right?) because I was right behind this dude.
He swerves to the left. The cars leeeean that way. He swerves to the right. The cars leeeean that way.
He swerves to the left again as leaves and chunks of grass (mowed grass chunks?) fly towards my windows and my poor white car. He stays there. Half in the other lane, half in his as cars pass by and I can see their astonished faces as they pass by me.
ASTONISHED MOTORISTS: "Whaaat? Was that guy really half in our lane? Did we almost just die? I need to make a will! That crazy old man!! What was he thinking?! Look at that poor pretty white car behind him with that hottie drivin it! (that's me in case you are wondering)
Finally, he turns. This little old man veers off down a little country road with his little smashed up cars on his little smashed up trailer. The Little Yapping Dog yips and yaps away at leaves, squirrels, and shiny objects. The cars teeter and totter precariously, close enough to make you think they will fall...but not quite.
And the smug OLD MAN chuckles to himself (don't all little old men chuckle?) as he thinks about his NAGGING WIFE back at home and how she'll react when he tells the sad story of how the Little Yapping Dog got out of the truck and ran off when they finally pulled up at their destination and disposed of those smashed up cars, and Gosh Darnit! he couldn't find her anywhere....
Well, that's how I imagine it anyway. Probably that is somewhat close to what that guy was thinking.
I mean, could it have happened any other way now?