Thursday, December 30, 2010

What Was This Guy Thinking?!

As I drove to work yesterday morning, sipping my hot coffee and, as you do when you drive, thinking about the most random of random things. 
In the distance, a truck...what's that in the back? Or is it a trailer?
Definitely a what is in the trailer?

Oh, I don't about a couple of CARS?! You think, People haul cars around all the time right? Right. But not these cars. Not in this trailer attached to this truck with this driver. 

Please note the almost flat tire on left side.
I can't even imagine how this guys' morning went.
Wait, I can.
It went a little something like this.

NAGGING WIFE: "Get up yew old lazy ass! Haul dem cars outta this yard so's I ain't gotta look at'em no more!"
SKINNY, RESIGNED-TO-HIS-FATE, OLD MAN: "Awww, yew hush yer mouth yew old nag! I'll get 'em movin shawtly....mebbe tomorrow..."
NAGGING WIFE: "evil-nagging-wife-look"
SKINNY, RESIGNED-TO-HIS-FATE, OLD MAN: " Awwwllllriiiiiiiiigggghhhtttt."
He hitches up his britches and slips on his shoes (maybe they have velcro?) and defiantly slaps his old cap on his head as he heads out the door.
OLD MAN: "Welp, I got these here cars and I got dis here trailer. I'll just put these here cars on dis here trailer and I'll show dat oooold lady what this old man can do!"
Spotting the old cars, he does what most old men do when they are faced with a task that they don't really want to do. He sticks his hands in his pockets, cocks his head to one side, and stares. His bushy gray eyebrows meet in the middle as his mouth does that side-to-side thing mouths do when they are contemplating big things.
He takes his tractor (he has a tractor by the way) and pushes these smashed up cars onto his smashed up trailer. Leaves and all goes with them.
OLD MAN: "Ha!" he barks out. "They's almost on there straight like. Perty good. Now I'll jest strap em down and head on down tha road."
He searches in his old wooden shed for straps. He comes across two pretty scrawny, almost rotted through, maybe they'll hold together but probably not, straps. After a quick snooze in the front seat of the truck, it's full speed ahead for this guy! He manages somehow to get them thrown over the cars (I imagine there is also a little yapping dog running under his feet that he just hates, but his wife just loves, so it stays) and not trip on the dog.
OLD MAN: "Would yew looky there! I's done it! Now, where'd I put dem keys....and my teeth..."
He retrieves said items and begins his Journey Of Lots Of Danger To Others.
NAGGING WIFE: "Take Little Yapping Dog withya! She won't distract yew while yer drivin!"
He scrunches up his eyebrows and screws up his mouth, ready to argue, but then thinks better of it. He calls the Little Yapping Dog to him, then sticks out his tongue and flips NAGGING WIFE a bird (once she's turned her back of course).
OLD MAN: "Hmph!" with a good solid nod of the head that says Ha! Take that!
He creeps towards the truck at old man pace (you know, eyes on the ground, sloooooooowly taking each step). The old Ford rumbles to life and the Little Yapping Dog begins her favorite activity. (Head out the window, yapping at things, then getting mad at the wind for messing up her ears)
As the rumbling death trap teeter-totters down the road I imagine the OLD MAN is feeling pretty smug with a little dash of annoyance. "That dern dog." he thinks as he glances over at her every few minutes.
Now I don't have to imagine this part (except for the dog, because well that makes it more exciting right?) because I was right behind this dude.
He swerves to the left. The cars leeeean that way. He swerves to the right. The cars leeeean that way.
He swerves to the left again as leaves and chunks of grass (mowed grass chunks?) fly towards my windows and my poor white car. He stays there. Half in the other lane, half in his as cars pass by and I can see their astonished faces as they pass by me.
ASTONISHED MOTORISTS: "Whaaat? Was that guy really half in our lane? Did we almost just die? I need to make a will! That crazy old man!! What was he thinking?! Look at that poor pretty white car behind him with that hottie drivin it! (that's me in case you are wondering)

Finally, he turns. This little old man veers off down a little country road with his little smashed up cars on his little smashed up trailer. The Little Yapping Dog yips and yaps away at leaves, squirrels, and shiny objects. The cars teeter and totter precariously, close enough to make you think they will fall...but not quite.

And the smug OLD MAN chuckles to himself (don't all little old men chuckle?) as he thinks about his NAGGING WIFE back at home and how she'll react when he tells the sad story of how the Little Yapping Dog got out of the truck and ran off when they finally pulled up at their destination and disposed of those smashed up cars, and Gosh Darnit! he couldn't find her anywhere....

Well, that's how I imagine it anyway. Probably that is somewhat close to what that guy was thinking.
I mean, could it have happened any other way now?

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Secret Big Truck Club

Apparently there is a secret club around these parts of Alabama. Probably around all parts where men drive big trucks.
See, you don't know about this Secret Club unless you drive a Big Truck

A Big Truck is NOT:
1) An S-10
2) Something without 4WD
3) A clean truck

To be a true Big Truck your vehicle must:
1) Have mud tires
2) Be kind of hard to get inside of without assistance from a manly man
3) Be able to pull things out of mud holes and ditches.
4) Make you feel like you can run things over, push people off of the road, and park anywhere without getting in trouble.

Now, I imagine this secret Big Truck club must have a really neat name and maybe a secret code or issue tracking devices for all of it's members...but I'm not actually in the club.

I'm just a spy! An imposter! A poser!!

It's all so exciting.

I drive my hubby's Big Truck and you would be amazed at the transformation. I'm driving along...and hey! did that other Big Truck driver just wave (well, he raised his hand at eye level and held it there kinda wave) at me?! Hmm...surely not. Driving....and wait, that Big Truck driver didn't pull out in front of me and blow big, black, billowing (how many more B words can I think of?!) clouds of smoke all over me.
And then I knew, I was in!
Cars, SUV's, little trucks, and DEFINITELY vans, are excluded from these "man-waves" and considerations of Big Truck drivers. Probably this is the most secret of secret societies and I will probably be "taken care of" by these strong silent type men that are members of this society for exposing their secrets.

But for the moment, I'm enjoying the thrill of being a part of such a big manly thing. Mainly because as these Big Truck drivers nod and man-wave as we pass each other on the little country roads and I nod very seriously back at them (I don't attempt the man-wave, because HELLO!) it gives me the giggles to think of how they would react if we ever parked next to each other (presumably at the barber shop or Lowe's or somewhere with BBQ ribs). I'd pull up in my big beastly truck and their eyebrows would slowly rise as the door opened and out popped me! 5 foot 5 (and a half!) of scrawny little girl with quite an attitude in her big man truck.

And we'd smile and nod at each other because they'd know then, they'd know that I know.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

A Good Omen for Our Marriage

So we have not had a white Christmas in Alabama in .... well, forever.
Do you know that it snowed on our first married Christmas together? Do you know it snowed a lot:?

Take that!! I'm almost positive it means that we will be married forever and our marriage will be pure and beautiful like the snow. Or not. Whatever.
We had a snow ball fight with the dogs. I don't know how they distinguish the snow balls that we toss to them from the snow that is already on the ground....but they think they can.
Plus, look how cute they are after a full day of Christmas partyin out in the snow...
 Dearest Hubby,
       I hope you loved your Christmas present. I'm pretty sure you did though.
       Look at your face.

See, I invited people over for New Years' Eve. And we had a t.v. like this...
Well, maybe not that bad. But my hubby is a manly man and my goodness! We couldn't have people seeing our lovely little house and our crappy little t.v. They might laugh! They might point! They might smirk and whisper un-manly things about my hubby behind his back.
He really was this worried about it. He calls it his "man-pride". So he went and made B.F.F's with my Dad (who has been trapped in an all-girl family) and my Dad got him this t.v.
It's like hugging. But for men. Kinda, almost sweet.

Our arrival back at our house consisted of me running around behind my overjoyed hubby picking up his trash that magically falls behind him, leaving a trail just in case I lose him or something. It's only the annoying trash too. You know, the kind that is too big (styrofoam forms) and the kind that is too sneaky (small plastic packaging) that only gets away from you or you can't really throw it away and it kind of makes you grumpy at your messy husband.
Then it just snowed and snowed and snowed and we played in the snow.
And we drove in the snow.
And we cuddled up inside our little house on the prairie in the snow and enjoyed our first merry Christmas together as a Mr. & Mrs.

Hopefully more wonderful merry Christmas memories to come.

Also, what is with people having babies? Is it that time of year? Am I supposed to be wanting to have babies? Cause I don't. Not yet!
That must be the only thing people have to do in the winter. We are, after all, not used to snow.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Do You Know Those Days?

Do you know those days where you are so emotional you find yourself crying over absolutely nothing?
I mean, nothing.

Well, besides the fact that your cousin (your closest friend) has decided to get married.
To a guy that you haven't met, talked to, seen in person? To a guy that she has only dated for 2 months? To a guy that is wearing tights in his Christmas pictures? WHAT KIND OF MAN WEARS TIGHTS?!

I am at a loss right now. I'm worried about her, but she can convince herself of anything she wants to...and I think she has.

They are getting married next December. At least it's a year engagement? Right.
This is just one of Those Days when you want to go home, have your mom hold you and make you sandwiches while you watch old movies on t.v. Mmm..Sandwiches. This is just one of Those Days, when you are frustrated with the world for being ok with what you KNOW is not ok. What is wrong with you, world? Stupid world.

I think I will go have a sandwich now. I feel like I need a therapist and all I can find is peanut brittle, oatmeal cream pies, and fudge.

ME: Peanut brittle, why so good? Why am I so sad?
DR.BRITTLE: I'm so good because I'm crunchy and sweet and peanuty all at the same time. You are so sad because you  have not had enough of me.

I have had the same conversation with the fudge and oatmeal cream pies. Also, you know those little vanilla cookies with vanilla icing in the middle? Those are good. Unfortunately those are just little mini-sessions of therapy, so you have to have like 10 really to get your full dosage. They are very convincing.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Oh btw

My dearest easily amused hubby just emailed me this. He is at work. But does he ever really do anything?
I'm starting to think no, seeing as he is also on the world's highest scoring board for Snake. He is secretly a super manly nerd.

Oh yes, how can you not love my hubby?

One of THOSE days...

they say "um, I would super duper love some biscuits & gravy PLEASE!"

Today is my day off. And you know, there is so much stuff that you have to do on your days off that it's really not a day off. It's really more like work that you don't get paid for (you usually spend money) and on top of that! you usually don't get it done cause you can't get MOTIVATED.
ugh. motivation is not with me this morning. Maybe it is over there in that pot of coffee....
Meeko loves my pillow.

Nope. But I do make good coffee.

Anyway, I'm supposed to be making cookies this morning for our Ugly Christmas Sweater Party tonight. Actually I have 2 of the same party to go to tonight. One at work, one with friends.

Guess who doesn't have an ugly sweater yet. ME. yes, it's that funny mix of non-motivation/procrastination that is unique to my skill set. I got skillz!

I did get to make something gorgeous out of these...
Aren't you just on the edge of your seat? Well, this is a suspense entry and you will just have to wait.
Partly because the motivation thing is still in play and I have to get hang-ups things when I go out and start my Christmas shopping.
Yes, I said START. Fail. Superfail = me.
Hubby & Meeko play Hide&Seek
So when I get back with presents, hang-ups, and ugly sweaters I will show you what it is I made!
Now...someone make me get up and take a shower puh-leeze!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

–adjective, rud·er, rud·est.

People are so rude. I've been reading some blogs lately and  I'll scroll through the comments and GASP at the rude comments left on some! You don't have to read someone's's like, ya know, a choice?!
Bless 'em.

Anyway, my pictures :)

First, I slept like one of these
then, of course I had some of this (it gives life to my soul)
then I did some Target therapy

Which depletes the soul of Starbucks happiness once said soul sees the receipt. You try to hide these things from your soul of course but somehow...somehow it just KNOWS.

So I understand now why they even put the darn Starbucks in the Target. BECAUSE, you see, it kind of evens out the buyers remorse you feel over your incredible spending spree when you have some happiness of the coffee variety in a cute Christmas-y cup.

This is why I love Target. If you don't love Target, well, we just can't be friends. They've got everything in there that you could possibly need (kind of like Wal-Mart but WAY better).

Oh, right, my weekend. Anyway, my dearest friend Kristy (who I believe loves caffeine more than anyone in the whole wide world) joined me for some Starbucks lovin before I shopped.
Then, I just have to write about my hubby's G-MA (we call her Meme). Because she is possibly the most awesome G-MA in the whole wide world, besides my other G-MA's of course.
Do you know, every time I go over there she tells me how beautiful I am? How gorgeous? How absolutely stunning?? Does anyone else have a G-MA like mine?
So on days when I am down, I will go visit her and she will make me feel beautiful again. And we had pizza. With pineapple AND ham. If you haven't experienced the ham&pineapple, you need to.
AND she always tells me to eat as much as I want and how lucky my hubby is to have me.

Which, he is. :)
then I did bad & went to Mike's Merchandise

Mike's Merchandise is the junkiest of junk stores. And I hope, for all of our sakes, that the medical accessories that they sell in there are for druggies and home medics. LAWD. Can you imagine if our hospitals are buying their sheets and gloves and cups and unknown plastic wrapped things at MIKES?

But, I did find some plain wooden frames which will soon turn into the craftiest project you ever did see AND two bedside tables.
Which are blue. ugh. But I will decoupage them with fabric! Someone come and do this for me and make my dreams come true! But even blue bedside tables are better than the folding snack tables we were using. GASP. I know, right?
Then I did the Hancocks but ya know, they have the crappiest fabric so I left there in disgust.

To end this rambling post I had some of these...
MARGARITAS (a close 2nd to Starbucks)

with some of these...
yes, these are my friends.
and then it did some of this...
but not that much.
and then I baked some of these...
I bake a lot, ok?!
And then did a little of this...
And then I napped. This is, I'm almost sure, how I look when I'm sleeping and then my hubby wakes me up as depicted.
right? right.
ALRIGHT. that's all for today. Maybe we will get all this icy slushy snowy stuff and I can go home early and then write an interesting blog post. hahahahaha.
oh right, I'm at work.
Which is where I get to do fun things like this...
oh yes, we are really elves.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Baby, It's Cold Outside

Actually, it's freezing outside.
Last time I checked, I lived in ALABAMA. Home of humidity and winter temperatures in the 30's at the coldest. Do you know what it is this morning? 19 degrees. It's supposed to snow. Yes, Alabamians, I said the S word. Go crazy.
People have it so much worse than us in the winter time. My fellow Southerners and I don't like it when the temperature falls below 40. Heck, we really enjoy a good 80 degree day. Now that it's a little chilly out this is what we think it feels like...
yes, polar bears are moving in

and we've got icebergs floating in the Tennessee river
Northerners are probably laughing at us. Probably = Definitely
I see the bright side of things...sometimes...and the bright side of it being this cold?
Well, of course, I got to buy something I've never bought before!!!
Really cute gloves :)

Exhibit 1: Really cute purple gloves.
For some reason, I also feel entitled to be eating chocolate chip oatmeal cookies for breakfast. Anything goes when it's cold people! Right? Right.
Exhibit 2: homemade chocolate chip oatmeal BREAKFAST cookies :)

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Not So Modest Mouse

So when most people think of mice they think of this...

or maybe even this...

And when you are sitting at the kitchen table in the morning, eating your Wheaties (bring it ON day!) and watching the sun rise you probably aren't thinking about either of these mice. Then your cat (Meeko)
isn't he CUTE?! Anyway...then your Meeko starts looking at the ceiling going "um, Mom? there's this thing...and I want it...can't you see it? Ohmigosh there is is!!! let me have it let me have it I want to eat it!" and I'm like..."huh?" ya know, cause you don't really understand cat talk all that well in the mornings.
Then there it is. In your kitchen light. Little mousy feet running back and forth inside the plastic over the fluorescent (that is a really hard word to spell btw) light bulbs.
"Ohmigosh!!" I exclaim.
"I know, right?!" says Meeko.
"Honey!!!! We have a problem!" says me to my poor husband who is already dealing with the dogs at the back door.
"WHAT?" says he.
I point wordlessly towards the little scurrying feet.
We then have one of those moments when you're like -- what the heck are we supposed to do about that? --
So my brave hubby unscrews one end of the light fixture like that would help us figure it out when really we kind of panicked after that because, well, what ARE you supposed to do now?

So he hits the other end of the light, the mouse comes flying out of the end like he thought he had wings or something and lands on the floor. Out of nowhere bounds Meeko and jumps on him. My hubby is cheering him on and me....well I run into the laundry room and plug my ears because GEEZ that poor mouse!!
See when I think of mice...I think of these...

Sweet little mice that are doing chores and wearing adorable little pointed hats and saying "Gus Gus!"
Oh the sadness came then and I ran to the shower to have my cry and feel sorry for the little mouse.

Needless to say, one of my candle holders got broken, I heard my hubby use the shop vac, and when I came back downstairs Meeko was meowing pitifully wanting his mouse back that had apparently almost gotten away and so husband "got rid" of it.

Am I a wuss or what?!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Shopping at Wal-Mart

Does anyone really enjoy shopping at Wal-Mart?
I mean, really?

Yes, they've got oodles of stuff. Stuff you take home with you. Stuff you didn't intend on buying. Somehow all this stuff ends up in your cart to the tune of "Oh, yeah, I totally need a dozen doughnuts for half price, a Paula Deen pot, and new Christmas colored plastic cups." Upon arriving home you proudly display all of your recent purchases for a not so excited hubby who only rolls his eyes and says, "Really honey?"

Wal-Mart, you are the devil. Leave me and my wallet ALONE!

My husband and I built a little house out in the country.
See, I loved, LOVED this vanity for the bathroom. Now there's this problem.
There's a space between the vanity and the floor. No problem you might think. FALSE (as Jesse would say)
I've got one word for you. (Well, it's two really...anyway). DUST BUNNIES.
Those little suckers hide under there. So I'm down on my hands and knees vacuuming away and then I'm done. Right? Wrong. Then I turn around and there they are! Little dust bunnies have hopped out to laugh at my futile attempts to suck them up into a Dyson grave. So then you start thinking...I bet Wal-Mart has one of those Swiffer things and that would surely get those dust then you're off to Wal-Mart for the second time in one day.

So, my conclusions thus far today have been:
1. Wal-Mart sucks.
2. Dust bunnies are in cahoots with Wal-Mart.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

First Date

Today seemed like it was a good day to start a blog. So here we go! 
Let's be completely honest here -- is there anything harder than a first?

I didn't think so. But I thought it might be easier to just get it over with. So here it is.

Now that we passed that milestone we can move on to better seconds! mmm, who doesn't like seconds?
See how much better life gets after you get past your first anything? Like ... well, first loves for instance. Those hardly ever turn out good. Then you're on to the next one and it's time for seconds. And seconds are always better than firsts. Especially when it comes to things like ice cream, and blog posts. 

And now it is time for ice cream. And, in order to stay true to my belief that seconds are always better, I'll have some seconds of ice cream as well. 

Don't tell though.